I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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