Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
