You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
