Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
