there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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