i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
