Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
