8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
