i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
