i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
