Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
