dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
