Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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