no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
