mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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