between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
