Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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