I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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