Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
