I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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