I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
