I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
