I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
