i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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