All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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