I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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