So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
