A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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