This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize