Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
