i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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