onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
