Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just blew my weed a kiss
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
