found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just found a bag of teeth...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
