eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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