you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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