...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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