I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
