God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
