I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
