she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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