I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
