I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
