Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
i now understand why vodka
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
