Dude my mom stole all your condoms
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
