tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
