Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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