Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
