Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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