How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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