You really coming over, don't trick.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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