drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
