why didn't you poke me back
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
