dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
