Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
