Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
