everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
